Dear Alice,
Recently, during a phone conversation with my boyfriend, he told me that he turned the volume up on his phone. Soon after, he began to masturbate, while he was talking. I am well aware of phone sex, but the conversation never came up. I had no idea what to say to him. It was very loud and there was no mistaking those sounds. Should I confront him or let it go? Do many men find this satisfying? He complains about not being able to sleep. Could this have something to do with this?
Dear Reader,
Hold the phone! It seems like you and your boyfriend had different ideas about what kind of phone conversation you were having. It can be uncomfortable and harmful when someone does anything sexual in the presence of another person without their active, enthusiastic agreement, including if it’s someone you’re in a relationship with on the other end of the line. Phone sex may be a fun activity for some. If you and your boyfriend never discussed it before, it may be shocking and even distressing if you haven’t agreed to it and aren’t prepared for it. Every sexual activity requires consent along the way, and it may be challenging to navigate those conversations — particularly if your boundaries have been violated and you’ve experienced any form of sexual violence. Dial in to learn more about consent, how to have conversations about the topic in a virtual space, and how to find and access resources if any of this feels activating or distressing to you.
First, it can be helpful to understand about more about consent. This is when one person agrees and gives permission to another person or people to do an action or behavior. It may be helpful to think about consent as a means of setting your own boundaries. While the topic of consent may suggest penetrative sex, consent covers all intimate contact, from handholding to phone sex. Consent relies on constant communication to make sure that all parties are enjoying all activities at all points. This may take the form of asking questions or giving affirmations, such as, “Can I do this?” or “Do you want me to keep going?” or even “It feels good when you do this to me.” Consent may take non-verbal forms, such as guiding hands or holding someone tighter. It’s worth mentioning that the absence of a “no” doesn’t mean “yes” — just because you didn’t explicitly say “no” to phone sex doesn’t mean you consent to it. Additionally, consent can be rescinded at any time. If you say “yes” to phone sex one night, that doesn’t mean you consent to phone sex every time you’re on the phone with your boyfriend. You may also decide in the middle of a session that you change your mind. Someone who’s pressured or coerced into a sexual activity, who’s under the legal age of consent, or who’s incapacitated from drugs or alcohol is unable to give consent.
When it comes to phone sex, communication is even more critical to make sure everyone feels respected in a virtual space. And in your case, it seems like this was the crucial and exceedingly necessary part that your boyfriend failed to initiate. Because virtual phone environments prevent partners from seeing each other’s faces or body language, they require participants to be even more verbally explicit with what feels comfortable and pleasurable. For example, enthusiastic consent, or consent that uses positive affirmation rather than the absence of the word “no,” isn’t only a great tool for any sexual contact in general, but it can also be helpful for gauging interest during phone sex. Phrases such as, “keep going,” or “I like this,” may be helpful to communicate consent, particularly when body language isn’t visible. Talking ahead of time about words or phrases that are mutually understood to indicate enthusiastic consent or boundaries is also always helpful for facilitating the most pleasurable experiences possible, both in person and in any virtual environment. In addition to phone sex, another enjoyable medium to consider is using video chat. One key added benefit is the ability to utilize body language — which may add more to the experience than just enhanced communication, if you let it! Regardless, consent (and pleasure!) relies on active communication between all participants, so ongoing conversation between you and your boyfriend can only help sexy times be even sexier.
Reader, you mention that you had no idea what to say to your boyfriend. It’s key to know that it’s valid and natural to feel that way in such a shocking moment. Wherever you fall, your feelings are valid and there is no one, “right” reaction or emotion that anyone “should” feel. Situations like this can cause considerable stress or distress for some, and slight to no discomfort for others. What happened to you isn’t your fault — if you never had a conversation about phone sex and your boyfriend did not communicate about it, it’s unacceptable for him to masturbate while on the phone with you.
If you’re not feeling too much stress or distress from this experience and you think you may feel comfortable enough to bring it up with your boyfriend, you may consider mentioning how you felt, what you’re (un)comfortable with in the future and agreed upon ways of showing your consent in a virtual setting (if you so choose). You may consider using “I feel” statements to communicate to your boyfriend your discomfort — for example, “I felt uncomfortable when you started masturbating the other day on the phone because we haven’t discussed it before.” You may even consider using this time to have a conversation about consent in general by talking about what you like or are willing to try, and what your boundaries are. Even if your boyfriend found it satisfying or it helped him sleep, the fact that you didn’t give consent to phone sex means that it’s never justified. If your boyfriend is resistant or reacts poorly to this conversation, or if after having this conversation he tries to participate in a sexual activity without your consent, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Any relationship requires mutual respect and appreciation, and you deserve nothing less than that.
You may also continue to feel a type of discomfort that might begin to feel like distress. If this is the case for you, know that you’re not alone and there are many resources out there to support you. For example, Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) is the largest anti-sexual violence organization in the United States, and it may be a great place to begin. RAINN runs a free, confidential, 24/7 National Sexual Assault Hotline that can be accessed by calling 1-800-656-HOPE or by chatting online with trained advocates who can provide confidential crisis support and put you in contact with your local rape crisis center. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center is another great national resource for information and support. In addition, most colleges and universities have a variety of confidential resources to support students as well whether it’s through a sexual violence response office, mental health services, or other forms of student support. Whether for you or a friend, knowing some resources to get started when dealing with any form of sexual violence can be a real game-changer.
Good luck in all your conversations!
Related Q&As:
Source 1: Relationships and consent
SUMMARY: This webpage discusses the importance of consent in intimate relationships. It also mentions how to recognize non-verbal communication, which may not be applicable to situations involving phone sex.
Source 2: What Consent Looks Like
SUMMARY: This webpage from RAINN explains how consent works. It also highlights how consent can be withdrawn at anytime and that giving consent once does not apply to other situations afterwards. Also, it explains the concept of enthusiastic consent.
Source 3: How do I talk about consent?
SUMMARY: This source from Planned Parenthood is fairly brief, but it still has relevant information on how to communicate with a partner about consent. It also lists questions one can use during the conversation.
OVERALL CONCLUSIONS:
In general, consent is when "one person gives permission to another to do something" (Source 1). While some might associate consent with only being applicable to penetrative sex, it actually applies to any kind of sexual activity possibly done. Consent, however, is not permanent, so it can always be retracted at any time. Consent consists of acknowledging verbal and non-verbal communication between the parties involved.
There seems to be an emphasis on the reader conforming to their boyfriend's non-consensual phone sex. While "phone sex can be a normal and healthy part of a relationship," that should not be the focus of the response, as it minimizes the concerns of the reader. If this sexual act, which was not discussed prior, nor given consent for, makes them uncomfortable, they should not be dismissed.
Various online health sources acknowledge how complex the topic of consent is, as well as how difficult it might be to bring up. The reader can bring up that they are uncomfortable with their boyfriend masturbating on the phone when they are talking to him. Normally in person, one can recognize cues from another's body language if they are uncomfortable. But with phone sex, it would be difficult to rely on non-verbal communication.
Also, consent only works with constant communication (Source 2). This means that, even if the reader had previously agreed to phone sex prior, that does not be mean that they consent to it *every* time they speak on the phone. Lastly, it would be helpful to emphasize the importance of enthusiastic consent, which focuses on seeing consent as a positive thing (Source 2). Instead of viewing consent only as someone actively saying "no" or not saying "yes," enthusiastic consent means expressing consent, as the term says, enthusiastically.
Examples of enthusiastic consent include explicitly agreeing to certain activities, confirming reciprocal interest in certain activities, and providing positive feedback when you're comfortable with an activity. By promoting enthusiastic consent, it lessens the amount of miscommunication. While the reader mentions the word "confront," it should not be viewed as that, but rather as expressing their thoughts and defining their boundaries.