Related Q&A’s
- Not ready to talk about loss – This question involves a reader who feels depressed because their father died and doesn’t know how to find the type of support that feels right for them. This is relevant because the answer discusses the benefits of reaching out for support which could be useful for readers who have experienced similar losses.
- Mourning over a child's death – This question has a reader who lost her daughter and is clearly still in great distress. The answer offers different avenues of support such as speaking to a clergy member or attending support groups. This is relevant again for anyone who could benefit from additional support due to similar losses.
- Father died, grief grows — How to cope? – This question is similar to the last two related Q&A’s with a side note on alcoholism. This question could be related to the original question since the research for the original question mentions that grief could be more complicated when the relationship with the deceased was complicated (source 2, 4, 5).
- Delayed grief after dad's death? – This question is particularly relevant because it also mentions factors that could delay grief, which could be related to what the reader of the original question is experiencing.
- Friend's mother has cancer — What should I say or do? – This question gives advice on how to support a friend who is likely to deal with grief in the near future. This is relevant because readers who are perhaps looking for that kind of advice could learn more about grief from the original question/answer.
SUMMARY
Source 1: Grief and Bereavement
- This source from cancer.org outlines the five stages of grief. It confirms what the original answer says about how grief looks different for everyone. It also gives a disclaimer that people move through different stages differently, and may even go back to previous stages. (Perhaps the reader has not actually finished grieving.)
- This source gives a loose timeline for each stage and for grief in general, stating that the process often takes a year or longer.
- 5 stages of grief usually experienced by adults
- Denial and isolation: can last from a few hours to days or weeks
- Anger: can last for days, weeks, or months
- Bargaining: usually does not last as long as other stages
- Depression
- Acceptance: this stage is usually reached over a few months to a year
- This source also provides a list of symptoms of grief.
Source 2: Complicated grief
- This source also confirms that people move through the different stages of grief in different ways and directions. However, if someone is still stuck in one or more of these stages after more than a year (as is the reader’s mom), they may have complicated grief, for which treatment is recommended.
- Complicated grief is ‘normal grief’ that continues in intensity even after a year.
- Complicated grief is more common in older women, and factors that may increase the risk of developing complicated grief includes an unexpected death, both of which apply to the reader in this scenario. (A longer list of risk factors is included in the source.)
Source 3: Grief: Coping with reminders after a loss
- This source also confirms that the timeline for grief differs for everyone, and also explains something called the ‘anniversary reaction’. Basically, during or even after the grief process, anniversaries of certain events can bring back the feelings of grief. For example, with a loved one, anniversaries can include the anniversary of their passing, their birthday, and other memories.
- Triggers for grief are not restricted to anniversaries or big events, but can also include reminders such as sights, sounds, and smells. (This could back up what the original answer says about the different relationship the reader had with their father versus the relationship their mother had with their father. Different relationships mean different reminders, and therefore different triggers.)
- These anniversary reactions do not imply that a person has regressed in their recovery process, but are simply a part of the experience of having lost someone. These reactions can last for days or much longer. As confirmed in other sources, if the reactions are interfering with daily life, it is a good idea to seek professional help. This source particularly mentions that if the symptoms of grief get progressively worse instead of better over time (or even up and down in waves), the person should seek professional help.
Source 4: Seeking Help and Support for Grief and Loss
- This source offers a list of tips to help someone cope with loss, such as not pressuring yourself with expectations, take care of yourself physically, and avoid alcohol and drugs.
- This source confirms that culture, religion, and type of relationship all can impact how grief manifests. Additionally, for those with emotional illnesses, grief will make things even worse and their overall experience of grief will be magnified.
- Unresolved grief is another term for complicated grief.
- This source also recommends bereavement counseling because it has been shown to reduce distress levels during the grief process, help the patient move through the stages of grief, and ultimately settle into a new life.
Source 5: Grief reaction
- This source gives a longer list of symptoms and reactions, and differentiates between grief, mourning, and bereavement.
- This source also includes a list of factors that increase risk (lead to a more intense experience of grief). These factors include low self-esteem, low trust in others, previous psychiatric disorder, previous suicidal threats/attempts, absent or unhelpful family, and more. Additionally, while complicated grief may appear more often in older women (source 2), men react more negatively than women do to losing a spouse. The negative reactions include greater depression and overall health consequence. Vulnerabilities also include being younger, as younger people face more severe consequences but also overcome them sooner.
ORIGINAL ANSWER
- PARAGRAPH 1
- While it is true that there is not a “designated ‘healthy’ period of mourning”, sources (2) estimate that intense symptoms of grief should not be debilitating after one year. Also, the mourning is no longer ‘healthy’ after it still inhibits regular functioning even after a year.
- PARAGRAPH 3
- This paragraph says the grieving process takes anywhere from two to four years, but none of the sources I saw gave this type of time frame. The only time frame given is that intense debilitating grief should not last longer than one year. Grief in general could be shorter or longer.
- PARAGRAPH 4
- I did not find a source that confirmed that “spouses who were very dependent on their partner are much more likely to have a protracted (longer) grieving period.” However, sources 2, 4, and 5 confirmed that complicated relationships led to complicated grief, which could manifest as a longer recovery period. Also, this sentence makes it sound like we are implying the reader’s mother was very dependent on her husband which isn’t inherently a bad thing but also a weird thing to imply.
OVERALL CONCLUSIONS
Besides the few points mentioned under Original Answer, the points made in the original answer are supported by multiple sources. One thing to add/differentiate is ‘normal grief’ and ‘complicated grief’ (2). Normal grief lasts about a year and is experienced in waves that gradually lessen in severity. Anything that lasts longer or increases in severity is considered complicated grief, which may be what the reader’s mother is experiencing.
Research still agrees upon the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) but maintains that not everyone goes through every stage, and the order may fluctuate (sources 1-5). There is no given time frame that applies to everyone, but these sources recommend that an individual seek professional help if their experience of grief worsens over time and still does not improve after a year (1, 2). After a year, ‘normal grief’ is then considered ‘complicated grief’. If their grief impacts their daily functioning (also considered ‘complicated grief’, sources suggest bereavement counseling as it has been shown to be effective for those in mourning (4).
There are different factors that may make grief feel more intense than others, such as preexisting mental illness, low self-esteem, low trust in others, previous suicidal threats/attempts, absent or unhelpful family, and more (5). Gender and age are factors as well, with men experiencing greater depression when losing a spouse than women do, while younger individuals experience greater initial grief but overcome it sooner than older ones do (5). Older women are more prone to complicated grief (2). Religion, culture, and type of relationship will impact how grief is experienced (4), and complicated relationships are often harder to process during grief (4). Other risk factors are included in source 5.
Ways to help people move through a grieving process include bereavement counseling. On an individual level, it can help to not pressure yourself with expectations, take care of yourself physically, and avoid alcohol and drugs. More tips are listed in source 4.
For the reader in particular, people can move backwards in stages of grief, so it’s possible they are back in denial. More likely, however, is that people experience waves in the depression stage, and grief in general towards the end is experienced in waves, and the reader is simply on the feeling okay part of the wave. Perhaps we can suggest the reader stay aware of how they are feeling, and encourage them to talk to their friends and family about their (the reader’s) experience of grief. There is no sure fire way to tell if you’ve “mourned enough” or if you’re avoiding the grief instead of processing. Also, perhaps their mourning period was intense but shorter because they are younger (although their age is not specified).
For the reader’s mother, it’s also worth considering the anniversary reaction (3). The original answer does a good job stating that different relationships will lead to different grief. We can include that different relationships also mean different reminders, especially during anniversaries which are relevant to this question because the reader specified that their father died “just over a year ago". It's also possible that the reader's mother is experiencing complicated grief, which is particularly likely if they are an older woman.